Friday, September 26, 2008

Moody...

We went to visit Lindsay again tonight and she was fabulous again. It seems that it doesn't even phase her now that we just come visit and then go home. We also got Brooke tonight from her aunt and uncle. We're trying a night at home with her again. It seems that she's eating up to 6oz at a time now and has been sleeping a good seven hours through the night. We'll see how she does here tonight. I haven't seen her in just a week and she looked huge to me again. Days like today I know I should be grateful but I'm pissed off about the time that I've missed. I hate feeling like I don't have the same bond with Brooke that I do with Lindsay. Though I know I shouldn't feel that way because Lindsay is a two year bond and Brooke is only two months and I missed a lot of time with her in that two month period. It somewhat bothers me that Lindsay has just adjusted to living where ever she is. She's SO excited to be going to her Aunt Patti's this weekend and I know she's going to have a blast but she didn't even ask about coming home tonight. I know I should be thankful and glad she didn't and that she doesn't throw a fit when we leave but it's mixed emotions right now. I feel like I've missed a whole summer with her too. Even when we had her home off and on before we had Brooke Mike wasn't well and it isn't like we've done much of anything fun with her this year. Fourth of July was our last family out- ting other than a Sunday morning at Church once Brooke was born. October is quickly approaching and I have a zillion things I want to do this Fall with the girls but I can't plan anything til I see my neurosurgeon on 10/8 and hopefully get cleared to figure out when I'm going to go back to work, cleared to drive, cleared to be on my own again without constant supervision (which I desperately need some alone time but am terrified of it at the same time) It seems that I'm starting to live a lot of the emotional downsides of what all has happened to me and US as a family. I can't thank everyone enough for helping but I am SO ready to go back to what used to be "NORMAL" for us. I've been getting more emotional over that every day. I guess the gall bladder thing helped send me over the edge too. I just don't need another thing to interfere with us getting back to "normal" whatever that is. I have been doing better the last two days with that. I'm not taking any more of the pain meds and have been using Tylenol as needed. I go back to my internist Monday so we'll see what all he has to say about managing it versus having it removed. I just don't want another flair up either. Especially, this close to Brooke's rescheduled Baptism!

Sorry for venting. I'm extremely grateful for the miracle that I'm able to vent here and that overall we're ok over here in sick land. I just need both my girls home and some of the post traumatic stress of the aneurysm to go away!

4 comments:

Heather said...

Chris - Don't worry about venting. I can't even imagine going through what you went through. I hope that all goes well with the doctors and you and your family are able to get back to "normal".

Anonymous said...

Hey girl! I can't imagine how hard it is. I feel 'cheated' sometimes too based on my experiences last year, but in hindsight I see what I got as a gift during that time. You know - I was just thinking how healthy Lindsay and Brooke have been. They haven't been in daycare to catch all kinds of germs (and I hear some really good ones are going around right now), so I'm glad you're not having the stress of sick kiddos, too. That's one less thing to worry about and contributes to HAPPY kids!! Enjoy Sunday!
Christi

Anonymous said...

Chris, do not worry about being "moody". This is another part of your recovery process. We are here to listen and lift you up when needed. I will try to call you on Monday. I will tell you a story about someone close to me and there "moodiness". ((((HUGS)))

Anonymous said...

if you weren't moody, i would think something was wrong. seriously. this is all part of it!

and, i totally understand your want for things to get back to normal. it's so hard to be patient when you've already waited so long.

prayers & more prayers headed your way.