Sunday, April 26, 2009

Time for a new Season...

Mike and I stayed grubby today and finally pulled all the Fall/Winter stuff out of Linds' closet and it was a TON I tell you. My last shopping season at consignment (pre-aneurysm) I went overboard and I don't think Brooke will ever wear it all. Mike helped me all day matching up outfits with shirts, shorts and skorts for her. Now we need to spend some time in Brooke's room bagging up stuff she can't wear anymore.

I have been having a rough weekend. I worked 6:30-3 Thurs & Fri and then spent 6 hours in the ER Friday night because my left leg is acting up and is dragging when I try to walk. I'm hoping to see my neurologist tomorrow because I have No idea why this is happening. For the last month they've been testing me MRI's CT's EEG's. I'm not sleeping well or walking well for that matter. I wish I knew of more people that have been through this. Initially when I woke up I was so grateful to God that I survived and wanted to give back in someway for living. I was in the denial stage I suppose. Now I'm in the anger stage. I want to go back in time and go to the doctor with the headache. I want to get back my baby's first year. I want to know how to get to the next stage (acceptance) and not be so mad and regretful that this happened to me. I want my time back with my kids and be able to handle it. Mike has been awesome but dads do things diffrently than mom's. I feel like half the time I don't know what's in the diaper bag when we go out. It drives the control freak in me crazy. Maybe that is part of what I needed to learn.
I believed that my 30' s were my best years. I fell in love, got married, had babies. How should I think about my 40's?? SO many people tell me I just need time to feel like me again. But how do they really know? I thought by January we'd all be back under one roof and n0w it's April and we're still not. Someone recently told me "It takes a village" but that person was not in our position at this time in their life. I just want what's best for all my family without taking advantage and I'd like both Mike and I to start recovering.


MBKimmy said...

I am in tears for you and with you! I am so so sorry! I hate that you are going through all of this I AM SORRY! If i could take some of your pain and fear I would! I really would! Hugs, kisses and prayers!

Anonymous said...

oh, chris! i know i keep saying this, but i wish i could DO or SAY someTHIHNG that would take all your pain & frustration away. because i would DO or SAY it in a heartbeat.

and, i've been there. i know what it's like to not have control of a situation. granted, i know i didn't have kids when i was going through my recovery after my wreck, but i know some of the feelings you're having & your frustrations. the only advice i have (and i know you're gonna hate me when i say this) is to be patient. but, i know that's easier said than done.

and, i know you've missed a lot of brooke's 1st year & i HATE that for you. but, i'm scared that if you focus on what you missed, that you'll miss out on the present. (and, again, i know that's easy for me to say seeing as how i don't have children yet).

i am so sorry for what you're going through. i have been & will continue to pray so hard for you & for mike & those 2 beautiful girls!

i love you, girl!