Sunday, January 11, 2009
A Chris Update
Brooke Marie has been on this planet half a year today. I can't believe it and the time frame still escapes me. She was 3 weeks and 3 days old when I landed in Emory for brain surgery. I had been told that I could not get upset as getting too worked up might work against my recovery. So I stared at pictures of me and the girls for weeks while I was recovering and tried not to think about how we were all "dealing". I honestly was freaking out more about being away from my first born for so long but I suppose that was me missing her so much. I couldn't process the fact that I almost could have left my husband alone on this Earth with two baby girls that would not remember me! I thank the Lord every day that didn't happen on August 5, 2008. I haven't put a lot of my feelings regarding all of this on the blog. It's not like anyone wants to out themselves to all of their friends, neighbors and co workers. Many of you have emailed me to make sure I'm doing ok and I thank you. The holidays were tough for me. Working this week, my first 40 hour week with no day off and no leaving early for doc appts was hard on me. I've had some bumps in the road being at work and getting too overwhelmed and busy and made a few mistakes. Though it was nice that people are not expecting me to be perfect and everyone says that I am harder on myself than I should be. Apparently I am the only one that thinks I should be functioning like I did pre-aneurysm! I worry all the time that I had a switch flipped and am not going to enjoy my kids like I want to because of depression and expecting too much of myself. I don't feel like my same self anymore and every day I am working to FEEL right again. I've been told over and over it just takes time but what if I never do? What if that affects my girls or worse yet my marriage??? This is where I've been lately. Sorry I've been a lazy blogger recently but it is VERY tough to find the time with two little ones. I am hoping to be better so Brooke has plenty of blog space herself! I'm trying to read everyone elses here and there but I've been poor in leaving comments. Please know I'm wishing for a wonderful 2009 for all of you as well as us!